[Parts of this were plagiarised from some other text that was floating around somewhere, although it's not any of the original scripts. If it's yours, let me know] Wal: This is the BBC Home Service. You are now listening to the highly esteemed Goon Show. Eccles: Also known as "The Computer Science Department". f/x: gong Seagoon: Listeners! You are warned this email is NOT to be read! Bluebottle: Ehh ehh! I don't like this game. Wal: The BBC would like to caution parents that this email is unsuitable for the very young, the very old, the middle aged, those just going off, those on the turn, young dogs and alderman, and anyone called Joe. f/x: gong Wal: And now here is good news for ugrads -- the following equipment is now available from the office: Plastic and sawdust elephant nightshirts, second hand concrete parachutes, artifical explodable wooden bloomers, and mens self igniting tailess shirts (with anti thundersheet attachment). And the best thing is, there are UNLIMITED SUPPLIES AVAILABLE!! f/x: gong Seagoon: And so to tonights story. And I see from this writ for damages the title is 'Why Is cs17 So Slow?'. For reasons best known to the author we start this story at part 6. Wal: Why Is cs17 So Slow? -- Part Six. Seagoon: My name is Inspector Neddie "Peter" Seagoon. To tell this tale, it is best go back to last night when it all started. Wal: Why Is cs17 so Slow -- Part One. cs17, last night. Seagoon: We are here to report a crime! Henry: You tell him Min. Give him the length of your tongue! Min: Five and a half inches! Bluebottle: I will just take that down. And what has been taken? Min: Our CPU cycles. Bluebottle: And when did you see them last? Henry: ARGH! Our cycles have been taken! Clean away. We woke up yesterday afternoon and they were gone! Bluebottle: When did you discover it? Henry: Just after I logged on! Bluebottle: I see. Where are the cycles now? Min: I don't know. If we knew where they were we would not need you! Bluebottle: What *was* the address? Henry: FFCE:173A Bluebottle: Please, not in a built-up area. Min: Now this is where you say your cycles were. f/x: types "rlogin cs17" Bluebottle: You've deaded it!! Min: No I haven't, you fool. Look, the first letter is about to be echoed back to me. f/x: Echoed "r". Wal: Special interest to compsci people. By mixing water with earth our scientists have invented MUD! Its now available in the common room under the name of `coffee'. f/x: Echoed "l". Voice: STOP! Enough. Now here is a special announcement from the esteemed office! orchestra: fanfare Voice: (different) Compsci people. The common room is now open. Lunch is ready. Doctors are standing by. Seagoon: As I sat at my table drinking my boiled water I began to wonder whether there wasn't some reason for the disappearance of the cycles. Eccles: Hey Neddie. Guess what I found in my lunch. Seagoon: What? Eccles: Food! Oh its good to be alive! Seagoon: Poor producer fool. Still, 5 years with Macintoshes would turn anyone. f/x: Echoed "o". Bluebottle: So, was there anything unusual happening when the cs17 cycles vanished? Seagoon: Anything unusual? No ... oh wait. There were a lot of ugrads in yesterday -- that was unusual. Min: Why? Eccles: There were no assignments due! Seagoon: Hmmm.... I wonder if they left any clues. What I need is a really clever sysadmin-type person... Bluebottle: I heard you call, my captain - I heard you call! Enter "Bruce" Bluebottle of the Crime Labs - pauses for audience applause - not even a frozen ristole. Produces handwritten certificate showing him to be a really clever sysadmin-type person and starts typing on the keyboard. Eccles: Hold onto that, we may need it to pay the water bills. f/x: Echoed "g". Seagoon: Well you are not likely to find any ugrads there! If you did, I would be the first to know about it. Now then, this is the scene of the crime. I want you to search it very carefully for any clue-type clues... Bluebottle: I will, my captain, I will. Strikes forensicing pose but effect is ruined as trousers fall down. Hurriedly falls to ground and starts searching. Seagoon: The rest of the night passed quietly, interrupted only by the occasional letter from Bluebottle's "rlogin" command being echoed to the screen as cs17 grudgingly spared a few cycles for the process. f/x: Echoed "i". f/x: Echoed "n". Wal: Why Is cs17 So Slow, Part 3. Inside Bruce's office. Bluebottle: Pleb Seagoon, did I hear you complaining? Seagoon: awk grep sed nroff yacc. Bluebottle: You are not complaining about the speed of cs17 are you? Seagoon: No - oh no. I .. Bluebottle: What is the bestest Unix in the world? Seagoon: ULTRIX. Bluebottle: You are forgiven. As a penance you will put a copy of the Ultrix-32 manual in your window. Don't forget to logon tonight... f/x: Echoed "c". Wal: And now we leave our intrepid heroes... what will happen? Will Bruce be able to find out why cs17 is running half as fast as a heavily sedated sloth? Will Seagoon finally get a life? Will Dave marry Sue? And who *was* that masked man?